The original Mr. Cookies

Definitely my favorite. Again, a long read, but an amusing 10 minutes. My "companies" are tie-in websites from Doctor Who. The pictures are the actual ones sent to me by Mr. Cookies and the one I sent him.

My reply in bold.

-- Jess

*****

Dear Sir,
 
I am in receipt of your mail and as earlier stated, I am Adrein Jones of 42 Mobil road, Freetown, Sierra Leone and a staff of Adjones International Ltd.
I am acting as representative of Mrs. John Addo as we are interested in engaging your services as manager of a large volume of funds for investment purpose. The amount of funds in question is Twenty Million USD, which has been set aside for direct investment overseas, I studied your listing on www.allfreelancework.com and we decided to contact you and have you implement this investment.
Mrs. Rose Addo, who is the wife of late Major. Addo John extracted that her late husband during his tenure as Finance Minister here in Sierra Leone made payments to foreign and local contractors and for this, they gratified his office. It was through this gratification that he accumulated funds and deposited it with a finance firm based in Europe.
We therefore, invite you to come forward and help invest this fund as your listing gives us satisfactory remarks. Major. John Addo deposited this fund with the finance firm stating in his mandate, that in due time, the funds will be released to the beneficiary being his foreign business partner, whose name was not mentioned. I was made to understand by his wife that the reason for this mandate was to give the funds a security of protection that the funds do not belong to Major Addo rather a foreign partner.
We have decided that you will invest these funds and act as the investment manager, whereby you will run and manage the business on your own on partnership basis with Mrs. Rose Addo. We also agreed to offer you 20% of this fund, which we consider as fees for your know-how in investing funds and managing it.
I will wait to receive your acceptance to give you further information and request confidentiality on your part.
I await your mail.
 
Adrein

***** 

Hello Adrein,

This sounds fantastic! As I'm sure you already know, I
am exceptionally qualified for financial management,
having opened a checking account for myself just last
year. You can count on my discretion and
confidentiality; I won't let you down. Please write
back and tell me what I need to do to help.

X's and O's to Mrs. Rose.

Thanks again,
Jessica

*****

Jessica,
 
It is nice to hear from you again. I have made important inquiries to ensure we secure fund transfer safely from the bank in Europe.
I discussed this matter discretely with my lawyer and he advised us on what to do to have smooth fund transfer from the bank without hitches. My lawyer’s name is Barrister Miller and he request his role be kept confidential but added I may send you his contact if you wish to reach him for further advice.
I have told you how late Major made this fund and deposited it with the bank in Europe through a finance firm. My barrister advised we must procure certain documents here in Sierra Leone to give the impression that you had in the past done a contract here for which the said sum was paid to you. Barrister Miller assured that documents will be backdated to reflect date fund deposit was made with the bank.
Barrister Miller explained that we will have to register your company here with the authorities and when that is done, we will procure documents relating to contract awarded and contract completed by you, as this will proof source of fund to the bank. In this respect, Barrister Miller has explained to me what it will take us to have this process completed with the officials of the authorities here and he also promised to assist us talk to the officials who will procure these documents.
Barrister Miller has told me clearly how much it will cost me to have the officials paid and mobilized for this process. He also told me that when this process is finalized, the bank in Europe would require receipted endorsements from us, which will attract bank fees. This is the position we find ourselves and this is the reason I contacted you and asked for your assistance.
I cannot handle this alone and need to work with you if we must finalize fund transfer successfully with the bank. The cost of mobilization here will almost take my savings and I have committed myself to handle it. I will need your commitment in same manner that you will handle any matters that will arise during your correspondence with the bank. This commitment is important, as endorsement from the bank will attract fees, which Barrister Miller said we will know when you contact the bank.
Mrs. Rose Addo would like to know if you have found a good location were she will reside with her children on arrival to your country. She will also like to know if there are good private schools in that location and she was particularly interested in knowing your marital status. I have contacted a traveling agent who is working on our traveling documents and he promised on delivering.
I will wait to receive your mail.
 
Adrein

*****

Adrein,

I have received your letter with much interest. This
is definitely an investment I'm well suited to handle.
The bank fees will be no problem as I'm already
wealthy, pretty much beyond my wildest dreams, but I'm
also bored and the naughtiness of this project excites
me. Please, have Barrister Miller contact me.

To Mrs. Rose, no, unfortunately I am not married. I
suffer from a condition called Imminent Death Syndrome
(IDS) and it makes most commitments near impossible,
which is why I'm always seeking action to live for the
moment. Also I have dipsydoodlitis. Anyway. What part
of the country does she want to live in? I will make
inquiries as to which state will be best for her and
her children.

Honestly I begin to worry about our security. Perhaps
we should speak in code, or at least use code names.
From now on I will be Ms. Kitty, and you will go by
Mr. Cookies. This will ensure our success. Take care
my friend, and watch your back out there.

Ms. Kitty

*****

Ms Kitty,
 
I have discussed with Barrister Miller and he informed me he would need your information such as;
 
1. Your company name you will prefer we use for registration here.
2. The Address of said company
 
I asked Mrs. Rose the part of the country she will prefer to live and she said I should seek your advice in that regard since you know better than her. I confirm the code names you sent and think it was thoughtful of you.
I will wait to receive this information and will submit it to Barrister Miller.
You may contact Barrister Miller through his email: victormiller@lawyer.com
I await your mail.
 
Mr. cookies

*****

Mr. Cookies,

Thanks for using the code names. This is so much safer. I can just feel that we are going to have a great partnership....thank you for trusting me. I actually own two companies, and these are their websites:

http://www.millingdaleicecream.co.uk/

http://www.cybusindustries.net

Before giving you the address of these companies though, I need some assurances that I can trust you. A photograph of you and Mrs. Rose together, or priority shipment of your firstborn perhaps. But I ask too much of you, my friend. A notarized fax transmission and your signature will suffice. If this is agreeable I will give you my fax number. It's nothing big, just a little note to say you care.

Mrs. Rose will be so excited--I have found the perfect place for her: a beautiful family oriented town called Quantico. If she cannot afford living there it will be no problem because I know someone who is willing to help her with money. Besides, Quantico is known for government-supported living accomodations and she will have no trouble getting in.

Well, I must sign off. My dipsydoodlitis is making me feel ill, and I sense a flare up of my IDS tomorrow. I am still up to this challenge, and will write to Barrister Miller accordingly.

Ms. Kitty

*****

Hi Barrister Miller,

Mr. Cookies said I could contact you for details about our impending arrangement. I look forward to working with you. I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm already a successful businesswoman but I am always looking for new opportunities. Also, you probably know this from Mr. Cookies, but I suffer from IDS (Imminent Death Syndrome) so I live to seize the day. These are my two companies:

http://www.millingdaleicecream.co.uk/

http://www.cybusindustries.net

Tell me, is Mr. Cookies an upstanding man? Since you're a lawyer at lawyer.com I really trust your opinion. How long have you known him? Please tell me what you know about him and Mrs. Rose and if you think I can trust them.

I look forward to hearing from you soon. Our mutual friend and I have been using code names for security (he's probably already told you), but you need to use one too or else our cover may be blown. You will be know from now on as Knight Sir Bunny. Thank you for your cooperation.

Ms. Kitty

*****

Ms Kitty,
 
Please find attached pictures of Mrs. Addo Rose and her children.
I have already forwarded my profile to you with full address. I did that for the prupose of trust and expect you reciprocate that trust.
To ask me to send further proof of my person is ridiculous.
I will wait to receive your address.
 
Mr. Cookies





*****

Mr. Cookies,

Sorry to have caused offense at the suggestion of
further proof of your person, but I hardly think it's
fair to call my wanting to meet your firstborn
ridiculous. It's highly insulting. In America
firstborns are often bartered as insurance in
respectable business transactions--it's quite
customary. You would do well to better familiarize
yourself with our traditions.

Regardless, I think it wise we proceed with our plan.
My lawyer advised me that it would be best if I deal
with the bank in Sierra Leone directly and give them
my information on the phone. What is the contact
information for the bank we're using? I'll call them
as soon as I hear from you.

Ms. Kitty

The cancerous Mrs. Vitaly

This exchange is rather lengthy, but a good read. My replies in bold.

This woman was supposedly dying from cancer, had an only son, blah blah blah. Her husband died and she claims to be this amazingly devout Christian and that she needed me to take her money and her child and give him a good home and education. It took me several emails to get rid of her; if you read nothing else, do read my final reply.

-- Jess

****

Dear in Christ,

May our good Lord bless you and reward you for your going out and your coming in through Jesus Christ our Lord Amen.

I am Mrs Trishin Vitaly a Pest Control Contractor; Origin of Russia, I am married to Late Dr Nikolaevich Vitaly a businessman in Cote D'Ivoire also the owner of APPRAISAL OF BIG ENTERPRISES http://www.okp-okp.ru

We based here in Cote D' Ivorie for nine years before he died in the year 2004 after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death, we were both born again Christian.

Since his death, I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.We were married for nineteen years with a child before He died, When my late husband was alive he left the sum of $5.5 Million (Five million five hundred thousand U.S.Dollars) in a fixed deposit account with a Bank, Recently, following my ill health my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to my cancer problem.

He told me that in the next 2 months there is going to be a spread of this cancer to my bones and I will not live again, the one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a Christian, Individual, and Organization or church whom I know may need it and that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein according to the desire of my late husband before his death.

Presently, this money is still with the Bank. I want this fund to be used in liberation work Activities like, help to Pastors families, Orphanages, less privileged in the society and Christian schools, poor people in your amidst and up keeping of the Churches and for propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained.

Also I took this decision because of my only child that will inherit 25% from this money and help him to secure a good education & accommodation in your country and also for the sake of God I will like you take him as your child and be a guidance to him where by my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision.

The Bible made us to understand that "Blessed is the hand that giveth". I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that "the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace". I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health. With God all things are possible.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank for you to contact with them directly for onward transfer. I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you as the present beneficiary of my funds. I want you and your family to always pray for me and my only son because the lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth.

Please always be prayerful all through your life, any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another person for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.

Hoping to receive your reply on time.
Remain blessed in the Lord.

Yours in Christ,
Mrs Trishin Vitaly and only son Joshua.

*****

Dear Mrs. Vitaly,

When I first read your story I admit I was a bit skeptical but after a few animal sacrifices and incantations to the Earth Spirit, I was moved. I believe you to be truly a person of faith, a courageous woman in this roach-infested world. Please tell me everything I can do to help you and Joshua! I will do whatever I can to make sure your money goes to whatever charities and organizations you want.

How wonderful it is to meet someone who shares in my faith. Specifically, I'm a member of a non-traditional, non-denominational, Jesus-centered faith and stewardship community, and I just want to help my sister.

Jessica

P.S. How are the bugs in Russia?

*****

HELLO JESSICA

IN ADDITION, CALL MY SON JOSHUA ON HIS PRIVATE NUMBER INSTEAD OF CALLING THE HOSPITAL RECEPTION BECAUSE THEY MAY NOT REACH US, JOSHUA MY CHILD WILL BE REACH AT 0022506999555.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU

MRS VITALY TRISHIN AND ONLY CHILD JOSHUA

*****

THANKS FOR THE NUMBER. I TRIED CALLING THE HOSPITAL FIRST AND THEY HAD NO IDEA WHO YOU WERE. STRANGE. BUT I WILL TRY CALLING JOSHUA LATER TODAY. AM I TO DEAL WITH HIM DIRECTLY NOW INSTEAD OF YOU?

BY THE WAY, IF I MESS SOMETHING UP IN OUR COMMUNICATIONS, PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I ONLY RECENTLY CONVERTED FROM AMISHISM AND ALL TECHNOLOGY IS NEW TO ME. AND I DO MEAN ALL.

JESSICA

*****

Dearest One in Christ,

I am in receipt of your mail, and I heard all what you said. Before anything may our good Lord bless your going out and coming in for the wisdom you have in order to use my donation fund to help the poor and people that need financial help from our God.

For your information, my illness here in the hospital is very bad, of which my doctor called me personally this morning and told me that I Mrs. Vitaly Trishin will not last for the next 2 weeks, and after my conversation with my doctor and I called my only child Joshua personally and informed him not to be worried about anything, that I knew I will die, that if I die I believe our good Lord will receive my soul and reward my only child through your assistance to live a christian life and further his education in your country without any problem.

In addition, my only child Joshua has been crying all the time, and I have assured him not to cry again, that you are going to receive him as your own child and help him to further his education in your country, so please after reading my mail I will want you to call my only son Joshua with the hospital telephone number that is stated herein ( 0022508188984) and pray for him personally on phone that you are going to receive him as soon as my donation fund arrive into your account, please tell him to stop crying, that our Good Lord has his own way of doing things, because with the name of our Lord all things are possible.

Moreso, I have contacted with the "Bank Manager" to let him know that I Mrs. Vitaly Trishin wish to donate my fund to you, in order for him to give me the full details on what they may need from you before transferring my fund into your account. And he said all I need is to write a letter of nomination that will empower you as my new appointed beneficiary to receive my donation fund. So after reading my mail I will want you to get back to me with your direct telephone and fax number, together with your full name and address, so it will enable me to write the letter of nomination and send it to the Bank to nominate you as my new beneficiary.

Please I am begging you with the Name of God, always try to be including me in your prayers, because my condition is very bad, and I believe I will die as my doctor said I need to do an operation within 4 day's or I will die, So when you call my son on phone, try to ask of me, if possible tell him to pass the phone to me, for you to pray personally for me on phone, because I believe in prayers, as we all knows that prayers is the key of everything in life.

Finally, my only child is now 20 years old, and he can speak and write English of which I believe you will love him and take good care of him as your own child.

Best Regards,

Mrs. Vitaly Trishin and only child Joshua.

*****

Hello Jessica

Dearest one in Christ Jesus.

Many thanks for your mail; You have not said anything wrong regarding our recent conversation, But I bet you might have called a wrong number and not the hospital number .

And once again I recomfirm the Hospital number to you, 0022508188984. You are not dealing with me alone, Rather you are dealing with me and my only child Joshua, The reason why I asked you to call Joshua is because the doctor will not allow me to take any phone calls due to my condition and my speech is not good because my sickness has affected my voice that when I speak you can't hear me well and clearly.

However when you call Joshua, If the nurses and doctor are not around Joshua will be able to pass the phone to me so that you can hear me briefly and pray with me over the phone .

Joshua will be waiting to hear from you, And as soon as I receive your personal information I will be able to write a "Letter of Nomination" on your name and send it to the bank to nominate you as my new fund beneificary .

We look forward in hearing from you soon.

Your Family in Jesus .
Mrs Vitaly Trishin and only child Joshua.

*****

In the name of the Great Earth Spirit I greet you,

Please forgive my absence of communication. When the nurses discovered I had found access to the internet they were agitated in a most unbecoming way and proceeded to stuff me with sedatives. I finally learned how to hide pills in my cheeks, which leaves me looking a little bit like a chipmunk, but I'm back from vacation now. Anyhoo.

We have a serious problem, Mrs. Vitaly. I need to know that I can trust you. I need a picture from you, or a blood sample, dental records, something like that. I called Joshua yesterday and spoke to him at length, but what I heard was shocking. He told me that Canadian Bacon is actually ham. He said he wants to cut you out of the deal and ship you to Australia, using the money to indulge in a wanton excess of cigarettes and Snickers (you never let him eat Snickers).

I either need to deal with you directly from now on or he needs to be exorcised. I know you want me to take care of him but I cannot do this as long as he insists on this deplorable lifestyle. Perhaps you are not praying hard enough.

Please help me do the Christian thing and establish trust. I think we should use code names from now on. Think of some names and e-mail them to me. Talk to you soon.

Jessica

My first experiment

The following was my first experiment in responding to a Spammer. Not too exciting.

But I do wonder what happened to them... the address I supplied was for the New Orleans Division of the FBI, and the phone number belonged to JoJo the Clown. My response in bold.

-- Jess

*****

Congrat ,your email address has been selected as one of our winning email.you have been awarded the sum of 450,000.00 Pounds.you are to contact Mr Harrison Finchley of S.G.F.T.F with the email below for claims.you are to give answer to the following question and send to him.(1) Name? (2) AGE? (3) CONTACT ADDRESS? (4)PHONE/FAX (5)NATIONALITY? (6)SEX (7)ANNUAL INCOME? Kindly fill and send to the below email the above required details.

Email:mrharrisonfinchleydept@yahoo.co.uk
Announcer :Morgan Becker
Co-ordinator:Stewart Hegley

Wow, I am like, so excited! This never happens to me! OMG! Is 450,000 pounds a lot?

(1) Name? Ms. Kitty Binkley.
(2) AGE? 30.
(3) CONTACT ADDRESS? 2901 Leon C. Simon Dr., New Orleans, Louisiana, 70126.
(4)PHONE/FAX? 504-866-4400 (phone)
(5)NATIONALITY? What does that word mean?
(6)SEX? Yes, please.
(7)ANNUAL INCOME? $275,000

Kitty

Welcome and Introduction

Welcome to the adventures of Kitty Anne McGibbles!

I hope you enjoy the psychological manipulation of Spammers as much as I do. They certainly deserve it, and I am rather offended by their notion that all Americans are rich, dumb and inherently trusting of someone who wants to give them money. It is my harmless way of retaliation to would-be thieves.

The humor lies in the ridiculousness of my replies, and to see how far I can take it before they give up. Some of them, due to the language barrier, don't quite understand that the joke is actually on them. The smarter ones get it and quickly move on to more vulnerable prey.

The name Kitty was a random codename I assigned myself a few years ago in response to a Spammer's request for discretion--I suggested that I should be Ms. Kitty and he should call himself Mr. Cookies. The great part was, he actually did it. I thought, if I could lead this malicious idiot into calling himself "Mr. Cookies", surely there was more fun to be had with others.

These emails are real, exchanged by myself and a Spammer, and without any editing. Enjoy!

-- Jess